TOP TEN REJECTED JEOPARDY CATEGORIES|Things That Ooze|Deathbed Pranks|Noises Dad Makes|What's That? Ham?|Things You Just Want to Pound and Pound with a Shovel|Doorknob Lore|Leading Men Who Are Really Gay|Presidential Salads|Items Found in Wadded-up Napkins|Moist Things
TOP TEN LIES WE TELL OUR GUESTS|Don't worry, there are still lots of people watching at 1:25 A.M.|Those ARE clean towels.|Sure, Dave would love to sing a duet with you.|We invited you here because we've wanted to have you on for a long, long time and not at all because our other guests canceled and we're really desperate, Regis.|Relax, he's not the same guy who does Dave's hair.|We brought you here on a bus so you'd have more funny stories to tell.|Dave saw your movie--and loved it!|Dave saw your movie.|We'll edit that out later.|They're not booing, they're chanting "Dave".
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS|Geraldo-Land|Arena Football Hall of Fame|Stump Johnson's World of Angry Animals|World's Largest Spit Sink|Catch-Your-Own-Wasp Ranch|Recreation of Vin Scully's boyhood home|One-Eyed Elf Dogeball Cage|You-Hit-It, We-Cook-It Roadkill Grill|The Enchanted Mitten|Giant Shirtless Santa Claus
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT LEONA HELMSLEY|Doesn't overburden IRS with large unwieldy tax payments|Knows the first name of each of the hundreds of employees she's arbitrarily fired|Has remained married for years to same man she stole a fortune from|She wept when the Ayatollah passed away|Has never swindled Merv Griffin|Once slapped an employee so hard it improved his vision|At least there's no damn Leona perfume|Has delighted millions with hit TV series "The Jeffersons" and "Amen" (Sorry, I was thinking of Sherman Hemsley)|Provides inspiring role model for young tax cheats|She just happens to be the woman I love
TOP TEN NEW NAMES FOR THE REUNITED GERMANY|Keggerland|Just Plain Volks|Siegfried & Roy|Aryan Acres|Argentina East|The Love Shack|Nazichusetts|Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor|Home of Das Whopper|Cindy
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODELS|Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos|Ever since Pauline Porizkova started dating Ric Osasek, goofy-looking guys actually think they have a shot with us|Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison|Exxon tankers|Going on sleazy late-night talk shows where the band leader makes a clumsy pass at you|The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot|Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas|People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q.|Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone looking at a picture of you|That damn sand gets in everything
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR OSCAR MAYER LUNCH MEATS|Pulled Hamstring|Gristleami|Smoked Schwarzenegger|Gee, Your Ham Smells Terrific!|Eva Branschweiger|San Diego Chicken Role|Joseph Bologna|Smokey Pittsburgh Senorita (aimed at Hispanic women smokers who live in the Pittsburgh area)|Hey--Those Aren't Pimentos!|Hoffaloney
TOP TEN MARION BARRY EXCUSES|Went to hotel for the free HBO|Used drugs to escape daily nightmare of having first name "Marion"|Just helping out Dick and Ed with their nutty "Bloopers and Practical Jokes" show|As mayor, has duty to greet visiting foreign dignitaries--you know, like from Colombia|President Bush asked him to buy it so he could hold it up during next TV speech|Started as craving for those little mints they leave on your pillow--and then just got out of hand|Doing what he could to keep drugs out of the hands of our nation's young people|Always thought that frying egg in TV drug commercial looked pretty good|Drug dealers?! I thought they were prostitutes!|If buying crack and getting high in cheap hotel rooms is a crime--why isn't barbara Bush in jail?
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT SOVIET SOCIETY IS LOOSENING UP|Hammer and sickle symbol replaced by smiling Kool-Aid pitcher|If Personal Pan Pizza not ready in two minutes, customer no longer beaten senseless|Sans-a-Belt slacks|Exit visas now available at supermarket checkouts|Citizens informed of Elvis' death|Call-waiting now offered on tapped phones|Shirt and shoe requirement dropped at 7-Eleven|Emigres now presented with lovely parting gifts|Bigger and better prizes in Pravda Wingo game|Bob Eubanks named Grand Marshal of May Day parade
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT A BASEBALL STRIKE|San Diego Chicken will be forced to get a real job|Gives public time to get used to commissioner named "Fay"|Nike can launch ad campaign for "Bo Knows Picket Lines"|Chance to round up hundreds of potential Yankees managers|It'll be fun to watch Morgana run out to kiss pro bowlers|Allows time for that bright orange nacho cheese stuff to really mellow|Cleveland fans can boast that Indians are tied for first place|Newspapers have more room to devote to Marla Maples|Frees up unused Astroturf for Dave's new hairpiece|Gives indoor lacrosse a fighting chance
TOP TEN THINGS THE U.S. ARMED FORCES HAVE OVER THE SOVIETS|In hand-to-hand combat, U.S. soldier has advantage of having seen professional wrestling|Notches on nose of our nuclear missiles make it easier to pop open a beer|U.S. Navy pilots go into battle with extra incentive of impressing Kelly McGillis|Their geeky haircuts are worse than our geeky haircuts|Soviet subs not wired for MTV|Our Constitution guarantess the right to say "Bite me" to commanding officer|U.S. weapons impeccably constructed by the superefficient Japanese|Ivan can't drink Pepsi upside down|Less talk, more rock|Batman's on OUR side
TOP ELEVEN REJETED LIFESAVER FLAVORS|Disembowelmint|Pineapple Noriega|Marion-Berry|Smouldering Wig|Fruit-of-the-Loom|Sonny 'N' Cherry|Anton Fig|Number Ten Steel Lock Washers|Suck This|Manson Mint|Rashberry
TOP TEN RULES OF THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT|Liposuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition|Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11 A.M.|Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box|The balk rule will be enforced|Nonfinalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly|Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy|Contestants with private armies may not topple duty elected winner|No Gabors|For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must be from their home state|Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth, not on Gary Collins
TOP TEN REJECTED PROM THEMES|Inside the Digestive System|Today Is the Yesterday We'll Be Embarrassed about Tomorrow|Hormones Ahoy!|Stairway to Unrewarding Careers|Dorks in Rented Tuxes|Restroom Memories|Ance! Acne! Acne!|Marry Early for a Lifetime of Misery|Emergency Room, Here We Come!|Geeks-a-Poppin'!
TOP TEN REJETED AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIALS|The Boy Who Counted Cards|Please Don't Make Me Go on "Family Feud"|The Day the Gym Teacher Cried|The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot|Hiking with Reverend Al|Never Kiss a Rodeo Clown|Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem Flatulence|Tiffany and Debbie Gibson: The Catfight|From Larry Holmes, with Love|Father Was a Flight Attendant
TOP TEN FUN THINGS ABOUT BEING MIKHAIL GORBACHEV|Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO|Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word|Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and then selling the footage to CBS|On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be the first one to sit in the Batmobile|Constitutionally empowered to strip-search any citizen|The Whammo Company is always sending free stuff|Counter guys at Moscow McDonald's usually slip in a couple extra McNuggets|Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal|Gets to play Santa at the end of May Day parades|Mrs. Gorbachev
TOP TEN EXHIBITS IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME|Michael Jackson's original nose|Diorama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn|The Childproof Cap Elvis Couldn't Open|The mint green shorts warn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the Oldies"|The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay|The Record Company Weasel Petting Zoo|Great Moments with Mister Mister|Get the Hell Off the Stage!: A Tribute to Opening Acts|"Catch a Disease from a Groupie" kissing booth|Ride the Wild Cher
MRS. NORIEGA'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|Clearasil on pillowcases|Every Thursday, it's torture night with the boys|He keeps track of big bundles of drug money but can't remember the last time he paid the paper boy|Husbands who violently threaten the U.S.A just when you're about to fly to New York to catch Tyne Daly in "Gypsy"|Kids who don't want to get up from in front of the TV when you ask them to carry a sack of cocaine out to the Cessna|Every anniversary the same thing: Banana Republic gift certificates|When the good china gets sprayed with machine-gun fire|That Billy Joel song mentions everybody but her husband|He launders millions of dollars--but try to get him to rinse out his socks|Certain U.S. presidents who declare war on your husband just because you wouldn't date them in high school
TOP TEN REJECTED THEMES FOR THE ICE CAPADES|Big Bird gets mites|A fat Smurf hits on Dorothy Hamill|Eldridge Cleaver's "Soul on Ice" on ice|Torvill and Dean fight over the guy who drives the Zamboni|Squeaky Fromme, Where Are You?|Snoopy Stains the Ice|March of the Not-Very-Masculine Ice Dancers|Peggy Fleming in "Ice Bitches Behind Bars"|Thin costumes plus cold air equals entertainment for Dad|True ice fishing tragedies from police files
BLITZEN'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you|Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on our harnesses|Dancer and Prancer always playing their Judy Garland records|Santa not letting us off for Jewish holidays|Reindeer games tainted by steroids|When Santa stretches out the reindeer feed with sawdust|The way Rudolph won't let us forget he makes twice as much as the rest of us|Two words: Soviet airspace|Swanson's Reindeer Pot Pie|When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off
TOP TEN REJECTED MODEL NAMES FOR NEW CARS|Pontiac Cyst|Dodge Glove|Oldsmobile Beiruter|Nissan Spleen|Chevy Junta|Hyundai Accordion|Mazda Eczema 500|Dodge Johnson|Yugo Screw Yourself|Ford Gelding
TOP TEN WORDS USED IN "NEW YORK POST" HEADLINES|Co-Ed|Tot|Horror|Straphangers|Mom|Weirdos|Hizzoner|Torso|Herr Steinbrenner|Slayfest/Lotto (tie)
TOP TEN RECENT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES|Giant apes once lived in Southeast Asia|First crude amphibians to crawl from ocean onto dry land were looking for a towel|Raccoons don't really wash their food; probably lied about other things too|Some galaxies really only 10 feet away, but are very tiny|Universe expands at the same rate as NBA teams|Fish have Country Western tunes running through their heads|Roy Rogers' new-style chicken is still alive when you eat it|Funny smell in lab was actually graduate student|If a blue whale gets in a fight with a giant squid, HBO has exclusive rights|Try topping an English muffin with bananas and honey--mmmm good!
TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE WOULD MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT|Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting our nation's injured professional wrestlers|Boyish good locks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state secrets|His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays|Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously|Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner for Oval Office|State of the Union address would be three minutes tops|Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill to a law, he gets to pass out a lot of souvenir pens|Would satisfy little-known Consitutional requirement that Chief Executive be "dumb as a tree"|We'd get to watch him grow up on TV|Impossible to pick himself for Vice President
TOP TEN BOOKSTORE PICKUP LINES|Care to come back to my place for a little Dickens?|When you're tired of dating "speed readers"--call me|You're pretty nicely stacked yourself|Have you seen a copy of "Tax Tips for Billionaires"?|Who's your favorite Karamazov brother?|I've got a great reading light next to my bed|I can bench-press a whole stack of James Michener novels|While you're turning those pages, mind if I lick your fingers?|You're hotter than Emily Dickinson in a tube top|Is that an unabridged dictionary in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
MRS. PAUL'S TOP TEN PET PEEVES|When a three-pronged tuna hook gets cought in your shoulder blade while you're casting|When some joker at the plant batter-dips your car keys|The kid's aren't buying her action figure|Getting bread crumbs in a paper cut|Idiots who think she's married to the Pope|That bitch Betty Crocker|Lawsuits filed by accidentally deboned employees|The flat, accusing stare of a dying cod|Wise guys who give you a "Here's your fish stick, lady"|Lackluster sales of her new cologne "Bottom-Feeder"
TOP TEN THINGS REAGAN DOES REMEMBER|He used to live in a big white house|That bastard Sam Donaldson|Those great parties at Marion Barry's|Daughter Maureen's weight (within 150 pounds)|Where Nancy doesn't like to be touched|The name, address, and social security number of each and every one of his black supporters|If you need a hooker, call Bill Holden|4:30--time for Wapner!|That Jodie Foster is a real troublemaker|Falling off a horse--and that's about it
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION CLINICS|Stop 'n' Pop|Aunt Bertha's Baby Batter|Jimmy the Greek's Genetic Crap Shoot|International House of Zygotes|Steve Garvey's Kiddie City|Jack-in-the-Box|Cher's Bedroom|Ringling Brother' Grow-Your-Own Circus-People|The Port Authoritory|McFertilization
TOP TEN PERKS OF WINNING THE INDIANAPOLIS 500|Getting showered with 10W40 in locker-room celebration|Honorary New York City taxi license|Right to represent Earth in Pan-Galactic Monster Truck Rally|Invitation to start Mr. Gotti's car for him|Good chance of meeting Kamarr the Magician backstage at Letterman show|Don't have to shut off lights and lock up speedway like guy who finishes last|Get to throw one free punch at Mr. Goodwrench|Offers of employment from Domino's Pizza|Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big wet kiss from Jim Nabors|All the Valvoline a guy can drink
TOP TEN MALL SHOPS IN HELL|Hitler and Himmler's 31 Flavors|Really Painful Manicures|Do-the-Sharpton-Thing Hair Salon|Fish 'n' Lips|Jim Jones' Juice-a-Teria|Boozy, Irritable, Big and Tall Men's Shop|Ceaucescu's Fashion Optical|The Gap (Boy--they're EVERYWHERE!)|Noriega's Nut Hut (under construction)|Brown Julius
TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE|Rolling pin vibrator|"World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe|A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks|Videocassette of the movie Danish Moms|A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks|Necklace of human ears|Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)|Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer|Gift certificate good for one brutal beating|Inflatable Dad
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS A LOSER|Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth|Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey, Vern" guy|Constantly using the phrase "okie-dokie"|Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot|Turned down for date by Cher|Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV|Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions|When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave"|Is U.S. Vice President|Tends to sit in the back yard and eat crickets
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU THROWN OUT OF THE TRIPLE-A|Asking to test drive the Triple-A receptionist|Vomiting in a tollbooth change basket|Using the word "fahrvergnugen" at any time|Selling secret handshake to Soviets|Repeatedly adjusting seat belt to provide erotic stimulation|Calling up the office and asking, "Triple-A? How do you spell that?"|Lewd use of service station air hose|Insisting Triple-A modem guidebooks include Dave's house|Standing up at a meeting and shouting, "I've got a pocketful of red-hot lug nuts!"|Having personalized license plate reading "HOT 4 EBERT"
TOP TEN PERKS TO BEING ELECTED TO THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME|Use of bullpen car for family vacations|Paves the way for employment in exciting field of casino greeting|DiMaggio himself comes over to set up your complimentary Mr. Coffee machine|Your restaurant may now feature Hall of Fame barbeque ribs|In super-secret ceremoney, get to see face of guy who plays San Diego Chicken|"You had your chance" plaque sent to former girlfriend of your choice|Annual mentholated rub from Tommy Lasorda|Exact knowledge of how and when the world will end|Can go anywhere, anytime, and spit on the floor|When people see you on the street they say, "Hey, Hall-of-Famer!" instead of "I've already got insurance."
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS|Andre the Giant Champagne|Hickory Farms Smoked Gristle Assortment|Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"|An hour of free advertising on CBS|"The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book"|Angry-Live-Bird-in-a-Bag from Hartz Mountain|Dan Ranther Lather Skin Bracer for Men|The Living Weasel Wallet|Al Sharpton Hair-Styling Spackle|Isotoner Diapers
TOP TEN LEAST VISITED NEW YORK CITY TOURIST ATTRACTIONS|The Museum of Subway Odors|Cat Meat Cook-off|The Abandoned Auto Show|Amish peep shows|Chalk Body Outline Walking Tour|Knicks games|Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair|Mob Informant Aqua Show|Mookie-Land|The Frozen Spit Rink
TOP TEN THING DAN RATHER IS AFRAID OF|Spiders|People will discover he doesn't understand maps|The Greenhouse Effect|A drunken pass by Charles Osgood's wife|Searing abdominal cramps during newscast|Endorsement deal for Bartles & Jaymes will fall through|Garrick Utley|Handshake too limp for world leaders|Might giggle during Chernobyl update|"West 57th" kids laugh behind his back
TOP TEN OFF-SEASON SPORTS ON ESPN|Uninflated basketball|Fat-guy hackysack|No-hands auto racing|Shirts-and-skins speed typing|Amish rake fights|Miniature horseshoes|Dropping cows from planes|Padded suit lumber swat|Oprah tipping|Dog hockey
TOP TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE ASK PAUL SHAFFER|What's Dave really like?|What's Anton Fig really like?|Can you get me tickets to "Donahue"?|So what have you been doing since "Saturday Night Live"?|Are those "Stump the Band" people for real?|Honey, are you ashamed of me and the kids?|Would you like fries with that?|Are you sure this is your credit card, Mr. Walsh?|When the bride and groom enter, could you play "We've Only Just Begun"?
TOP TEN REALLY NICE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK IN THE SUMMER|Abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells.|Out-of-towners overjoyed by secret hope that maybe they'll get to manage Yankees.|Air-conditioned comfort of bright, shiny, well-appointed subway cars.|Mayor usually out of town on "buisiness".|Warm thin air enables stray bullets to travel farther.|First-run Broadway plays waive "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy.|Giant heat-seeking batlike lizards swarm skyscrapers at night.|Most cab drivers, in lieu of tip, gladly accept gentle kiss on forehead.|Bobbing corpses in East River make perfect water-ski slalom course.|Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos!
